I am madly in love with my ex-wife.
Life got harder and we couldn't catch our breath to repair the cracks that were forming under the extreme pressure of life. We loved each other, that was not the issue and still isn't.
We met 22 years ago this summer. She was sort of standing not quite sober at the reception of the youth hostel, completely unable to recall her room number. I watched her struggle for a while and then left with my mates for our planned road trip. We returned a few days later, tired, dried out from the sun and desperate for a shower. We must have looked hilarious, especially when we found out there was no water at the hostel. We dumped our bags and headed to the beach hoping to cool off and de-sand ourselves. I ran into the water first, whooping my way in, which quickly turned into 'OWWWW, WHAt the f8ck?' I was so excited to cool down that I hadn't stopped to notice nobody else was swimming.
The jellyfish were as shocked as I was.
She stood at the edge of the water laughing, apologising, and laughing again. She reached out to help me get out of the sea, took her last bottle of water and poured it over my burning thigh. My mates were creased over laughing at me shamelessly, none of us aware of what to do. For me, that was our first date because we never had an official one. We were travelling the world and just like that, she became my plus one.
Eight months later we returned home madly in love, jobs lined up, with the future looking bright and glossy. We were rocking it! I proposed the minute I had enough money to buy her a ring and we married in a simple ceremony with family and friends in the garden of an aunt.
Two years later came child 1, and then 2, and then 3. We worked hard, we laughed harder and our family was everything to us. It wasn't easy. We had to provide for the five of us but we made it work. And then 2007 happened. Overnight I lost my job leaving her to keep us afloat. Life got harder and we couldn't catch our breath to repair the cracks that were forming under the extreme pressure of life. We loved each other, that was not the issue and still isn't. It was how we didn't communicate. We were both trying our hardest and doing our best for each other, but we forgot to check that was actually what the other wanted or even needed.
We lived with good intentions but ended up pushing each other away.
And just like that I came home one day and heard her crying in the shower. I sat on the toilet waiting for her to finish showering and when she came out I wrapped her up in a warm towel and held her close.
'I slept with someone, just once, but I think I have feelings for him.'
With my heart pounding I held her tighter whilst she sobbed into my chest. Who was this piece of shit? I wanted to beat the crap out of him, hurt him as much as I was hurting now. I wasn't even angry with her. He was some guy at work who took a perverse interest in the married women of the office. He was known to be a flirt, extra good at listening, bringing in chocolate and stuff that he knew the women would soften at. He found all the tiny cracks and pried them open and shoved himself inside until he got what he wanted and then he moved on to his next target. I want to say she was a victim, but she was his prey. They all were.
He seduced them collectively.
We separated, thinking the space would help us recover faster. We started couples therapy, but her guilt ate away at her - she was still addicted to him. The divorce turned me to rubble, and I moved in with my family to give me a chance to build myself up again. Their support was far more important than the mean comments that I received about being back home with my parents. Without my parent's love, I am not sure who I would be today. They gave me the encouragement to move forward with my hurt.
The kids were old enough for us to not worry about the logistics of school and activities. Although we were upset, we parted kindly. The kids all know how much I love their mother. We still do things together as a family, and we remain good friends. We have continued to parent them together and they are affected, but not damaged.
I can't move on, I don't want to move on.
It's been a few years and I am back on my feet and flourishing at work. I have dated half heartedly, but I am waiting for the day she wakes up and remembers how in love we were and how much better life would be if she let me back in. Everyone wants me to get help, ' get the love I deserve'. I had it all and it was better than great. How can there be another woman out there for me? Maybe they are right. I fell for her and I haven't stopped loving her. I don't think I need to.
Please don't be sad or pity me, I am at peace with my heart's decision.
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