I could have this many siblings. I don't want to know.
How many siblings does she have? She doesn't know and she doesn't want to know. She has taken herself off all social media to avoid being contacted by the many more lurking out there.
To meet Katy you would think she was raised in a stable family with a white picket-fenced home, but her story tells otherwise. Katy radiates energy, strength, and her smile lights her up from within. During our few hours of laughing together we realised the one important ingredient that made Katy the woman she is today. You will have to read to the end to find out what that is.
Her parents are not UK-born, but her mother Diana is half-English. Both her parents were professionals who happened to meet in London, fall in love, marry and have Katy. Frank had already been married twice before and had three children, yet this did not phase Diana. She believed people changed.
Do people change? ... Frank didn't.
When Katy was 6 months old, Diana was walking with Katy in the stroller in their local town centre when a pregnant lady stopped her and confided in her that she was pregnant with Frank's baby. On returning home, a little shaken in disbelief, she confronted Frank, who had the audacity to deny everything. He lied to her face and assured her it was nonsense, but then he started to behave differently, and within a few weeks confessed. That afternoon he kicked Diana and Katy out of the house!! Diana left with one small bag and Katy's stroller and moved in with Nan (Diana's mother) who welcomed them with open arms.
He cheated and kicked out his wife and baby? Who does that?
A good education for Katy was imperative to Diana, who now had to work harder and longer hours to ensure she could pay the school fees, Frank had not only kicked them out but had cut them off financially. Katy doesn't know the details of whether her mother fought him or tried fro child support, what she does recall is the warmth and love of her Nan taking care of her daily and the weekends was when she got to be with her mother whilst her Nan worked. She never missed her father for one second.
Frank was out of sight and Katy assures me she was not on his mind. He made no effort to have any contact with her and showed zero interest in being a father. On the rare occasions she did see him, they would happen to be out and about in the local supermarket, or randomly on the street. He never once made an effort to come and say hello or wave. Katy learnt to live without him.
He was an empty dad.
When Facebook became a thing, Katy signed up like everyone else did and quickly learnt that she had many other siblings. She now knows of 6 and has met 4. All the messages she received were the same.
'Hi, is your dad Frank? I think I might be your sister/brother.'
How many siblings does she have? She doesn't know and she doesn't want to know. She has taken herself off all social media to avoid being contacted by the many more siblings she is sure are lurking out there.
What she learnt is that his pattern was to come and leave. Literally. We laugh.
What she learnt from these siblings is that none of them had a relationship with Frank, and amazingly not one of that got more love or attention than the other. He moved on to the next woman swiftly and cut off ties with all his ex's and children.
Meanwhile, Diana continued to work hard and provide Katy with a fabulous education and she never wanted for anything. Katy never felt something or someone was missing in her life. In her younger years Katy is sure her mother didn't date, and she was never introduced to another man. When Diana met a man she fell for on holiday, they maintained a long distance relationship for years. How? They flew back and forth to see each other. They even got married and Diana fell pregnant but continued to live in the UK and raise their daughter alone. At some point they got married and he encouraged Diana to move with the girls to the US. Katy struggled leaving her Nan and the UK education system. She was at an age where she had very little time to learn for her SATs and make new friends and settle into a new country and school. American schools are like the TV shows, and ridiculously hard to fit in with people who had established friendship circles.
The American system is harsh, racist, and segregated, plus there are guns everywhere. It's real!
Diana worked as hard there as she did in London, and Katy had to get on with life, the American way with the yellow school bus. Katy felt lost, alone and lonely and the hardest part was her Nan not being down the road. After a few years of suffering, she moved back home to the UK and planned it all behind her mum's back. Diana was fuming with her. Her stepdad worked hard and her little sister had a nanny to care for her needs, Katy was sure she wouldn't be missed.
Katy returned to the warmth of her Nan and straight to work. She had missed out on the university application process and with no A levels she had to work her way up the ranks and upskill along the way. Today she has three side hustles besides her career and is thriving. Katy is a powerhouse with a giant smile.
Diana returned in 2019 and her sister stayed in the US. She is more American than British and her life is there. During lockdown, Diana and Katy made up for the time Diana missed when Katy was little. It forced them to learn about one another and make up for the missing links in their relationship that neither had realised were missing.
Frank died a few years ago, and Katy didn't attend the funeral. Why? Why go for a man she never knew? She worried how many siblings might turn up- Katy shuddered. She doesn't regret it and there is no anger, hurt, or bubbling grief. She is completely at peace because he simply didn't exist.
How has this affected her relationships?
She laughs, well, she seems to be attracted to men who are older and who have children. She doesn't have an ache to marry, and she doesn't have a maternal calling. Her first long-term relationship lasted years (and he had many children) and now she is with a fabulous man who has two - much easier. She doesn't see herself as a step-mum, they are busy boys and she is busier than them. They all get on, and it's been like this for about five years. This relationship nurtures her needs and he loves her and respects her drive.
My grandma would have loved him. Diana adores him.
So why is Katy the formidable woman she is? It's down to her relationship with her Nan. The unconditional love, care, support, and friendship they had was the very platform that allowed Katy to grow up feeling safe in the world. No matter what, her Nan was there for her.
If you would like to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please email me at contact@angryexwife.com
