She told me her divorce was simple. I learnt otherwise.
The wedding was beautiful, the party was fun, and still there lingered a sense of why did he wait so long. She shelved her grievances until one night, whilst doing the dishes and having a cup of tea they started to bicker and out of the blue Martin said...
When I causally mentioned to Lee over a luncheon that I write about divorce, she causally mentioned her divorce was simple. I was excited to finally meet someone who had experienced this side of divorce, it does happen, but I don't seem to meet these people.
I need to describe Lee as it relates to how you will read this story. She is calm, has an upright posture, a gentleness with the silent strength reminiscent of matrons is WWI films. She comes from a hard working, middle class English family and lives the values she was born into. She was a well behaved growing up, a good student and was loved and nurtured.
Weekends were for hanging out with friends in the city centre, and Martin turned up one day and became part of the group. It was obvious to everyone she had a crush on him, and that was the summer Martin became her boyfriend. When the academic year began, Martin realised he was not cut out for the classroom and left to work in construction. He loved manual labour and being paid at the end of each week. Lee focused on her studies, and towards the end of academic year she ended their relationship to the relief of her parents. They weren't snobs, but they wanted someone who reflected their values for their daughter. She wasn't emotionally affected, their relationship was hand holding and kissing. She was about to turn 17.
After her A'Levels, all of her friends left for University, whilst Lee stayed for an apprentice role which was more attractive to her. With her friends gone, she kept bumping into Martin at the gym, or waiting for the bus after work. At first they hung out here and there, and then started dating seriously.
Her parents' concern seemed to dwindle over time as they saw how hard he worked and how much he cared for Lee. He never hindered her progress and he was a solid partner. They were growing up together, they moved in together, and their life had a rhythm that worked. She became a part of his family and vice versa.
Three years later, their friends started to return from university and their friendship circle grew, this time with boyfriends and girlfriends included. A few got engaged and though Lee knew Martin loved her, she was still waiting for his proposal. He never seemed interested, and they were already living and loving life together. At weddings people would say 'you two will be next for sure.' Lee would look at him from the other side of the room with agitation. At first she was subtle, and eventually direct, and when she felt annoyed she would dig at him. When he finally proposed it was a let down.
Their wedding was beautiful, the party was fun, and still there lingered a sense of why did he wait so long. She shelved her grievances until one morning, whilst doing the dishes and making a pot of coffee they started to bicker. Martin blurted out,
' I can't do this anymore. I have been cheating on you with Verity and I'm sorry.'
Lee recalls crumpling to the floor, the jug of coffee and its contents on the floor, shock stopped her from moving. Martin walked out, he had a game to go to, and she sat frozen in space. At some point she recalls standing up shakily and staring into the pool of coffee that she needed to clean up. Her friends and family arrived on the scene to support her, and stayed with her in shift throughout the weekend. She doesn't recall calling anyone, but they scooped her up and kept her safe. Meanwhile, Martin messaged to say he was taking a few days away and wouldn't be coming home. She started to breathe a little, digest his harsh exit.
As the emotions started to take on a life of their own she considered changing the locks, ripping up his pictures, cutting his favourite t-shirt into tiny pieces. The usual cliche reactions rushed through her mind until she reached the conclusion that it would be pointless. What she needed was to talk to him sooner than later. There was no bandaid, there was no pleading, couples therapy was off the table. Martin loved Verity.
'you can't argue with someone decided'
He came home a few days later, no shame, no real remorse. She regretted spending all that money on the wedding. She watched him pack a few cases of his essential items to take to Verity. Lee doesn't recall how she coped, a fog a first, but somehow she made it to work and every evening when she came home to an empty space for the first time in seven years, she sat down at the kitchen counter and worked out the legalities and finances of divorcing without the professional costs. She filled in the forms, cited Adultery as the reason, and she looks at me and laughs.
Martin refused to sign the papers, he didn't want adultery to be the reason. What did he think he did?
I look up at Lee, shocked and ask her 'which part of your divorce was simple? Easy? She smiles at me and gently says 'the paperwork'. The process in itself was easy to navigate online and the legalities, but Martin didn't try and make life easier for Lee. He made the process longer by refusing to sign, and insisted on selling the house, she insisted on buying him out. He insisted he be paid more by doing the work, and Lee shared the proof that she had paid considerably more. Back and forth he fought her on small details for close to two years until the rumours of a property crash caused him to panic and sell her his share.
The first few years were hard with their social scene still entwined. She had no choice but to attend weddings she knew he would be coming to with Verity. Lee behaved more like Bridget Jones, drinking and dancing the night away to avoid him and especially Verity. People were supportive, but there was a sense of pity for her as though she had done something wrong.
They shamed me and felt it was a shame for me.
As it turns out, Martin had led a double life and spent half of his money on gambling and the occasional drug binge. Innocent, naive Lee never knew. Lee is over Martin, but Verity is taking longer to recover from. She mentions quietly that she knew her, not friends, but as acquaintances. Martin's family cut off all communication the minute he left and that took time to heal. Her family were hurt too, they lost a son.
She knew me, she knew we married, yet she didn't care. Not one bit.
I pry a little more into how Lee appears so strong. Maybe it's because she has the absolute support of her family and close friends that she never fell apart. The opposite, she got out there and tried new things, new hobbies, dating- too soon but still she kept moving forward. She thinks it partly thanks to her Gran who taught her in that British manner to keep going.
You get on with it. (and she did)
Today, Lee lives with her partner of many years in a lovely cottage close to her family. He is lovely and everything her parents wanted for her in a partner. A gentleman. They share similar values, goals and she feels safe in his love most of the time. Most of the time because every so often, when she leasts expects it, trust issues turn up and cause her to panic and question everything in their relationship. It's only natural, and he has learnt ways to help her through these panic attacks.
Martin, where is he today? She knows he is married with no kids, which he desperately wanted. Someone recently mentioned he was out and about way more than he should be. He told her once at a wedding that he regretted leaving her, wished she would take him back but thankfully she was of sane mind to not entertain the idea.
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