Some thoughts about divorce as we come to the end of 2024.

I suspect this has been a hard year for many of my readers, divorced or not. The world has been a little upside down and inside out, and it doesn't feel like it is going to get any better any time soon. I am assured it will. I started to write this post and then got slammed with tech issues and the flu. So much time to consider how hard it is being a single parent. Luckily, my children are old enough to care for themselves, but my thoughts are with those whose kids are young and lack support. Don't forget to ask for help, people presume you are OK when you don't.

One of the reasons I started writing this blog in 2020 was because I believed divorce was getting nastier. Close to two years of writing and listening, and I think divorce has become more complex because dynamics have changed.

Some of these observations are controversial, and require in depth discussion. Please feel free to vent, rant and comment - just no abuse.

• Women, no longer expected to stay at home and care for the children now have the ability to earn. Equal rights changed the dynamics of financial settlements with men no longer expected to support a woman for life. On the flip side, women are still not receiving equal pay and childcare seems to fall on the mother more often than not- especially when a child is sick or the school needs to contact a parent.
• Dad's have paternity leave rights, usually not taken. Men have not felt comfortable taking what may have been deemed 'unnecessary' time out of the office in the past. This is changing, but not fast enough and I believe that this is a large part of sharing the mental load and benefits the children.
• The stigma of divorce is very much alive at work and with friends and family.
• Very few men share with their employer they are getting divorced. There are very few companies with divorce support options for employees. People are trying to hold it together at work, and will often take 'holiday' time off of work to attend legal meetings. This needs to be addressed with divorce up there with death and moving house as a life stressor.
• It is now perfectly acceptable and becoming more common for dads to request 50:50 child custody. It is controversial in that mothers believe dads are incompetent and incapable, but dads are demanding their rights to be a parent and not to miss seeing their children grow up. This can also be used to abuse the system to not pay child support in the UK. Working from home has opened the doors to flexible conditions that allow these men to drop off and pick up from school and attend events and so on.
• Finances. I have yet to interview someone who hasn't struggled financially post divorce, and yes, this includes the wealthy. We all live within or beyond our means, and divorce hurts people's finances.
• Social Media. Yes, we love to hate it, but the algorithm loves to feed you the vibe you are searching. Angry, sad, depressed? The internet will keep you firmly where you are and will never show you the other side of doing things or thinking differently. To stay sane, you need to search differently. I still believe it encourages anger and hate by sharing the very worst of divorce behaviour.
• The cost of living has hurt everyone, and some stats will show you the divorce rate has come down. I suspect this is a lie. I believe that people can't afford to get divorced and are holding it together by a thread living under the same roof.
• Lawyers, Barristers and the Courts. Shall we argue this? I have spoken to quite a few, and although there may not be a malicious bone in their body, they are dealing with human beings at their worst. My suspicion is they see the behaviour coming, tell their clients 'DO NOT' and sigh when they get a message that says "I did". The UK courts need an overhaul, from the buildings to the number of cases they can get through in a day. It's crumbling over here and I haven't heard anywhere else doing better.
• Coercive manipulation- read anything by Dr Emma Katz.
• Friends and family- sometimes their personal experience and perspective on divorce can infect your behaviour in your own divorce. Be careful who you listen to.
• I hate the phrase co-parenting. I might have to write a post on this topic.

I want to thank each and every person who has shared their story or advice with me. Thank you to the people who have reached out to thank me for helping them feel less alone, or advice they have taken from a post or shared with a friend.

Wishing you all a healthier, safer and prosperous 2025.