I fell in love with my ex-husband
There were many first dates, 'the men were nice enough,' but she never felt any connection until she met David. David was interesting and funny, and she believed he shared the values she was looking for in a husband and father to her unborn children.
Maria was raised in a religious community, a place in time where women marry young and devote themselves to family. The girls finish their education and start the search for a suitable husband. This is all they know and there is nothing that flags within the community that they are too young and naive.
It is customary to meet with a Matchmaker, who will note the essential characteristics and values the girl is looking for and then set her up with many potential suitors. The dates always take place in a public space, the public eye had become the modern day chaperone for these girls. Hers took place in a hotel lobby, always a soft drink, and always sitting opposite each other. Maria was excited and nervous before every date, and although they were short and formal, it was always long enough to know when it was a 'No' for her.
All my dates were in a hotel lobby where we would meet over a soft drink.
She met many eligible young men, intelligent, good family, good looking, but she never felt any connection until she met Mark. Mark was interesting, funny, and there was something that he liked in Maria as he immediately asked to meet again. Four successful dates later, he proposed. This was considered the correct thing to do. She was 19, and he had recently turned 23. Maria accepted the proposal, their families met, and within ten minutes wedding plans were being made and who would pay for what.
Growing up, Maria had the ideal wedding planned in her head, written in all her journals. She knew what flowers she wanted, what dress she would wear, and how the venue would look. Instead, she was excluded from everything except choosing her wedding dress. Whilst she was disappointed about being excluded, she got to spend time getting to know Mark. The more time they spent together the more she liked him.
Four months later, we were married.
They arrived at the wedding hall, greeted all the guests, family photographs, the ceremony, speeches, dancing and then it was over. Her dream wedding was a blur of other people's decisions. A month later they received their wedding album, the pictures reflected both her and Mark's participation. She placed it at the back of a cupboard, hidden and unwanted.
We were guests at our own wedding.
Today, as a mother of teenagers and young adults, she reflects on how young and immature they had been- 'way too immature to marry'. She reminisces growing up with enormous pressure and expectations to marry young. Parents wanted their daughters married before they became too old to find a good catch, were left with undesirable suitors or worse, on the shelf. They were raised to want little else for their future and they had no way to know that they could think otherwise.
After their wedding, reality quickly set in for Maria as she realised Mark did not share her religious values. The Matchmaker had lied, which she learnt wasn't an uncommon occurrence, and now her dream of married life had become a disappointment. Mark and her were immature and incapable of communicating with each other, and she didn't have the confidence to speak up. With all her friends recently married, and appeared happy, she didn't know who to confide in. Maria was miserable.
She knew Mark was unhappy, but he chose to confide in his family. He took their advice, which made things worse, and it began to feel like a battle over everything and nothing. They encouraged him to say no to the very things she thought would help their relationship. Mark never stood up for her.
I felt disrespected and married to his parents, not Mark.
They continued with the motions of married life, and within a few months she was pregnant. They were both happy and excited and Maria enjoyed the pregnancy. Their problems didn't disappear, and after she gave birth she would take walks to the park with the pram, silently sobbing on the bench as her baby slept. She desperately wanted to leave this neighbourhood, the watchful eye of Mark's parents, and the community. Meanwhile, they started to fight, not 'loud arguing'. Mark would hurt her with insults and frequently put her down. She had no voice as his wife, and nothing was ever good enough for him (them). Slowly, she was forgetting the things she had liked about him, .
Maria didn't want a divorce, but she knew she couldn't stay this miserable.
To be divorced in this community is taboo for women. Men move on swiftly and re-marry, often starting a new family and the new bride won't care he is divorced. Divorced women are tarred, their options are bleak, and the men willing to take on a divorcee are often seen as undesirable.
20 years old with her entire life ahead of her, Maria felt doomed.
Mark's parents paid for the services of a local, respected therapist. Maria found him to be unprofessional and destructive. Instead of assisting them in resolving differences or at least ways to communicate, he seemed to encourage divorce. She left the sessions feeling worse and belittled. Years later she found out he had shared her sessions with her in-laws.
I had more anger towards this therapist than I had for my husband.
One sunny day Maria opened a letter addressed to her, she recalls how she froze, and her heart was pounding in her ears and her vision blurring. She was amazed she didn't faint from the shock. Mark had filed for divorce and had never said a word to her. It meant that they had tried and failed and divorce was the only option. Lawyers were employed even though they had little money or assets to divide or argue about.
Our emotions trumped reason and we fought over everything from the rug to the wedding gifts we had received.
Remarkably, they agreed on finances and child visitation peacefully, but everything else they fought over irrationally. After the divorce, his family upped their cruel behaviour by creating a divide whenever and however they could. Mark's behaviour went from bad to cruel, his parents encouraged him to stop collecting and dropping off their child on his visitation days. Instead, they tapped into the vast supply of cousins, and suffocated all contact between them. They were mean and hurtful.
Maria got used to the cruel games and accepted what they might do next, so when Mark turned up out of the blue, she didn't know how to respond. It hadn't taken long for Mark to realise what he had done, and more importantly what he had given up. He told her he was appalled by how he had behaved and kept apologising, he wanted to make amends. After every drop-off he would initiate conversation with Maria, never wanting to say goodbye. He desperately wanted her back. Finally, his family and her agreed on something- there was no going back.
I was too hurt to even consider going back.
Mark didn't care that everyone was against him wanting Maria back. He went from being an immature boy under the control of his family to a man who stood up to his family and for his family. They even threatened to disown him if he continued to pursue Maria, but he ignored them. Maria wasn't interested in his intentions for a long time.
What changed?
He wooed her for the better part of a year. He sent flowers, letters, he was supportive, he did everything and anything to gain her trust. She would call and say she needed his help, and he would drop everything to be there for her. Time and time again, Mark proved his sincerity and commitment to her and their child.
Still hurting, she refused to trust herself even though she witnessed him going above and beyond to earn her her trust and love. She was ashamed to admit that she was entertaining the idea, and too embarrassed to tell her family or friends. Maria sought the advice from someone she considered a mentor, someone who would not judge her.
'If you both truly want this, you can make this work. Go to a good therapist and try.'
A good therapist makes all the difference.
The new therapist came highly recommended by her mentor, and this time Maria felt safe enough to open up and share her fears and concerns. She left the sessions feeling empowered and Mark listened, shared, and opened up about his fears and needs. They finally started to listen to each other and learnt to respect each other.
By the end of our sessions together, I had fallen in love with my ex-husband.
They remarried without their friends or family. It was an intimate ceremony that sealed their desire to be husband and wife. It took 20 minutes and it was perfect. The simplicity and intimacy was all they needed, and this time the wedding photos are displayed throughout their home.
Meanwhile, her parents, who were hurt for Maria acknowledged the effort Mark had put in and welcomed him back into the family. His parents weren't so happy, but peace was made, and they didn't disown him. Maria got her wish to leave the community, and they moved to a home where they have loved and lived for the last thirty years with their five children. Mark never forgets the pain he caused Maria and she assures me the scars are still there. The hurt didn't go away overnight and sometimes a memory will pop up to remind her of their tragic start together.
We worked hard together to forgive, to accept, and to love each other.
Our children have the best of both of us. We have raised them in a religious home with a level of independence and freedom to show them how to make choices for themselves as young adults.
We live in a world where divorce is accepted, but returning to an ex-spouse is frowned upon. There are many stories of people re-marrying, but they aren't shared enough to let people know it's ok to want to go back to someone. This story is unique in that they hadn't dated traditionally, hadn't fallen in love like a Hollywood movie, and barely knew each other. Yet Mark knew he wanted Maria, and with the right support, Maria opened the door for Mark to show his sincerity.
If you would like to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please email me at contact@angryexwife.com
