My interview with Online Dating Coach Rea Shahroudi inspired me to get online.
Your profile is no different to the cover of a book and the text at the back. When you want someone to take an interest in you, you must show them who you are. When you do this your interaction with others improves.
Dating apps illicit a groan from most of the people I know who are on them and who have given up on them. What choice do people have these days with less socialising after work and generally less socialising?
My male friends assure me photos are more important than what is written, and they prefer a full body shot so they aren't duped. It's as though there is no etiquette and a fear of honesty that encourages people to lie about their age, their physique and even relationship status. On the other hand, I have met many happy couples who have met online and are considered 'lucky'. After talking to Rea, an Online Dating Coach, I believe it's more about intentional dating.
Rea is divorced, a mother and in a relationship with someone she met online. One of the lucky ones? No, she assures me dating online was hard work and she put in the time and effort to succeed. By taking a good look at herself and her dating goals post-divorce she witnessed how others turn up on their profile and found the patterns in the people who were genuinely available.
I look down at my pad, avoiding eye contact whilst I acknowledge silently that I am lazy and avoidant.
Rea smiles at me as though she can read my mind.
Are you on any of the Apps? No, it doesn't appeal to me.
How does this work? (asking for a friend)
The first meeting, in person or online, is where Rea will tease out of you your relationship patterns, needs, hopes and where you are in your life today. If you have a profile set up, she will assess what message you are sending about yourself and how others might perceive you. She will acknowledge the list of wants and the boxes to tick, but she will also ask you to reflect what that means to someone swiping right on you. It's very possible you are turning away potential partners by misrepresenting yourself, or that your messaging shows you are not ready for a relationship. It may not be that you aren't emotionally available, or that you are in the midst of a career move, focusing on your health or not quite over a recent break up. Or like me, not comfortable putting yourself out there.
It may be your relationship patterns are no longer working for you.
Rea explains that people don't realise how much time and effort it takes to meet someone on dating apps. We need to shift our mind-set to become result orientated rather than mindless swiping with messages that go nowhere.
Dating fatigue is a real thing.
Many people get tired of connecting and not going anywhere. It could be the people who you are attracting aren't right for you, or some tweaking on how you interact. Your profile is no different to the cover of a book and the text at the back. When you want someone to take an interest in you, you must show them who you are. When you do this your interaction with others improves.
You must represent yourself so that you are appealing without lying.
Importantly, the list of traits and wants, the things we think matter probably don't. Honestly. have you looked at yourself from another's perspective? We are looking for someone to have a relationship with, not a job interview. Rea reminds me that apps aren't the only solution to meeting someone, we still need to make the effort to get out and meet people in person, go to events where you might meet someone with the same interests. You might meet someone who has a friend who is perfect for you.
If you aren't putting in the work, your future partner won't know where to find you.
Rea's words resonated, and whilst writing up this interview I decided to investigate using myself. I added one photo, a little blurb and activated my account on Bumble. It was immediately obvious what Rea meant by intentional dating.
This is what I learnt.
- I am comfortable swiping left on people.
- Bad pictures don't bother me too much, but there is no excuse not to have something better. Pictures from lockdown, standing in front of the mirror with a flash and your bedroom all messy in the background. Left.
- Men who don't want drama and write quite negative things like 'if you.. Left
- Men who write icky lines like 'a great end to a first date is a cheeky cuddle or a catch you by surprise with a kiss'- Left. (it's making plans for a second date)
- Sex positive- I am not sure who knows what this truly means. Some men shared that it was about their high sex drive and need to be in the more dominant in the bedroom. Whilst women presume and some from experience that it's the new Tinder for Bumble and a bit creepy. Left
- The blurb is a forced personality killer. In 2021 it was 'never have I ever seen Game of Thrones', now it's the world would be a better place if there was more 'love'. If you are looking for a man, head to the pub and seek out someone eating a roast with a glass of wine. It's their 'ideal Sunday'. Left
- A majority aren't telling the whole truth, and I understand why, but it makes it that much harder to swipe right. I connected with many, some disappeared and never messaged again, some I had calls with and some of them disappeared too and some I graciously ended the communication because I want a relationship and not a pen pal. We all know that when a man is interested, he will behave interested.
Thank you to all the men under 28, you made me smile with your charming messages and interaction. Left
It isn't all bad, but it has definitely become hard work. Out of the blue I am now connecting with people who are making the effort and all share a similar pattern. Talk as quickly as possible, and if that works, meet. I have only suggested coffee and not one person has had an issue with that.
Rea has changed my perspective on this space, and I no longer consider it a waste of my time. The apps are awful, but not being seen and not putting myself out there is an even greater waste of time when I really would like to have someone in my life. My interview with Rea wasn't even close to an assessment of myself and I am very aware my dating profile is not good enough, but for now it is what I am working with, and when I am ready, I will be contacting her for sure.
Guys, I am sorry to say that Rea coaches women for now. I will find someone for you to guide you through the murky waters of modern dating.
Rea's can be found on
If you want to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please email me at contact@angryexwife.com
