The Do's and DONT's when you are experiencing parental alienation.
Parental alienation (PA) is not to be confused with a parent protecting a child for a valid reason. PA is an act of manipulating a situation to cause a divide between a child and a parent with the primary motivator being revenge. The alienation may include the extended family of that parent. Often found in high-conflict divorces, the children are used as pawns to gain money, the marital home, and possessions. The people who should be safeguarding these children are rarely trained in detecting this form of abuse, including Judges, social workers, schools, and the police.
I found this topic extremely easy to discuss with Charlie, a parental alienation coach, yet exceptionally difficult to write about. What I learnt took me back in time to my childhood and revealed a new layer to explore. I want you, the reader, to make sure you don't compare everything your ex does as alienation and start making false accusations that can cause unnecessary harm. Should you suspect this is what you are experiencing, reach out to someone who works in this field and has a solid reputation.
Charlie has learnt in his experience is most psychologists and professionals aren't trained in this abuse, and until the law recognises it as a pathology, it will remain a blind spot. The statistics continue to be refined, but it is suggested around 7% of the population of children of divorce, and not dominated by one gender. The pattern appears that men who have experienced PA believe all women to be 'bad' and women feel the same in that all men are 'bad'. Either way, the damage is immense.
Charlie got into this line of work by being the alienated parent. His journey taught him to recognise the behaviour and the severity of the alienation, and now he has support systems for his clients to enable a healthier, safer approach to live with PA. Charlie helps parents rebuild their relationships with their children, and by restoring their mental and emotional wellbeing aligned with inner balance they are more able to help their children through their experience.
The template may be the same but plays out differently as different characters and circumstances influence the outcome.
How and when does alienation begin?
Sadly, it can start long before the divorce process begins. It can be subtle, or it can be verbally announced. Friends and family will have been manipulated to turn against you by hearing how awful you are, and they won't have a reason to believe otherwise. By the time you catch up with the reality, your children may also be aligned with the alienating parent.
'If you ever leave me, I am going to destroy your relationship with your children.'
The journey will cause isolation and self-blame. and to move forward and provide support for your children, you will need support yourself.
The alienated parent.
Everyone in this space comes with their own past, childhood traumas, issues and hopes on how they want to raise their children differently from their parents. When a parent becomes alienated, it activates emotions such as living grief, guilt that they could have or should have done more and so on. People will assume men did something wrong, but women are assumed to be horrendous as they have 'lost' their children. Societal shaming of women means they will have to deal with persuading the world around them it's a lie. The feeling of isolation can be overwhelming as few people know this is to be a reality. Why would someone do that to their child?
The alienated will experience injustice, anxiety, and fear. Constantly wondering and worrying about what their child is experiencing without any answers. The alienator may put them on this rollercoaster ride, but the alienated keep themselves on it until they get the support to break out of the patterns keeping them on. Without healing their own history, regardless of contact with the children or not, some will feel guilty and put their life on hold.
It is critical that you focus on what your child needs from you and not what you need from your child.
Parents forget their children don't have the ability or knowledge to articulate their needs, and when we aren't healing ourselves, we forget to check in with them. Charlie advises his clients to second guess the scenarios and the likely effects on the child/ren. By practicing this the alienated parent will be more proactive in responses within this fragile environment. When we focus on correcting the injustice the child ends up in the middle of two fighting parents. Instead, focus on providing a safe calm place for the child to just be.
Yes, it's hard to deal with the injustice. But the child is having a harder time and they are forced to side with the alienator.
Parenting teenagers is difficult enough without PA in the mix. The patterns that arise are parentification vs pa......These children will have potentially been exposed to being the alienator's confidant around the finances and legal details of the divorce, causing the teenager to see themselves as an adult who will then try to parent you. Teenagers think we are old and understand nothing as it is, just try to be patient and eventually they will see you differently.
How to communicate with the alienator.
It is imperative you learn strategy by considering the possible outcome and games that will be played. Everything you do will be turned against you. Eg. Buy Christmas presents- you are bribing them. Don't get Christmas presents- you are abandoning them.
Do NOT prod the bear.
The alienator needs to feel in control. Should you need to go to court, ask yourself if it's the right thing for your children's sake. Once the court takes control, the alienator may up the ante. Consider the consequences of fighting over money, the children don't need to be in the middle of this and this includes paying even when you have no contact, pay for everything as though you do. It is not their fault.
Understanding the mechanics of this can be transformative.
Charlie believes the alienator behaves this way due to nurture or lack thereof. They come into the relationship with their own childhood trauma and patterns of vulnerability and fears and when something like a divorce happens, it can trigger their pain. This will act out by their need to hurt the other parent and will outweigh the need to let their children maintain a loving relationship with this parent. They truly believe their narrative.
They are protecting their children from you.
The control will not end when they are in a new relationship and will possibly get worse when you are in a relationship. They may warn your new partner what an awful person you are and to be careful. They may want to protect the children from your new partner. It's hard to navigate.
What do I do when my child wants a relationship with me?
There are many nuances to consider in the dynamics of rebuilding a relationship. Not every child will be treated the same with some will have been picked on more than the other, the healing process will be different for every child. The past remains present and the alienating behaviour will remain in the subconscious of the child. The little voice suggesting speaking to you is bad, that you are bad, even a betrayal of the other parent. Guilt lingers. Children won't want to discuss the past at any age and if you want to share your experience, it needs to be over a long period of time and with awareness that it can be damaging.
'I've waited all these years to tell you' - Do NOT try and set the record straight.
When your child turns up, they will need to feel safe and trust you will listen and not hit them with a tsunami of your emotions and justice. Your role is to help them with their healing and you can't do that if you haven't worked on yourself. You will find the things that trigger you are the unhealed parts. Practice biting your tongue when you need to shut up.
The injustice.
Social workers and Therapists- not only are they not trained, but many of them aren't parents. They will take the alienating parent at face value and not evaluate the enormous pressure put on the children to tell the truth when living with the alienating parent. It can be a fear-based relationship.
The law- there is no law to protect against alienation and although nobody feels the law is fair in high-conflict cases, men have been expected to have less contact with their children. Judges will listen to the advice of professionals who have had little to no training in this area.
Is there a way to measure parental alienation vs bad parenting?
There is a questionnaire proven to be highly effective in correctly diagnosing PA, but the professional assessing the results needs to be sufficiently trained on how to use it.
Clients often ask Charlie, 'What am I supposed to learn from this?' He responds, 'You learn a deeper sense of love and compassion. Feel compassion for your ex and you will start to heal.'
If you are a close friend or family member witnessing the alienated parent, you can help them by showing empathy for what they are going through. Unless you yourself have experience in PA, try to avoid offering advice. When you know the alienated child, treat them normally as if nothing is going on and show them love and support. The child just wants to live a normal life.
Charlie can be reached through his website or IG.
NJ, United Kingdom
IG: charliemccready1
If you would like to share your story or you are a professional who wants to share some insights, please email me at contact@angryexwife.com
